As a person whose parents divorced when she was 17, I can attest that divorce did more than just legalize my parents break up. It tore my family apart and shattered my heart đź’”.
People say “divorce is easier when ___________”. They fill in these blanks so simply. “It’s easier when your kids are young” or “when your kids are grown.” Well I call bullsh*t to any claims that attempt to disempower the pain that children of divorce, young or grown, experience.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell all of you divorced parents reading this, but the pain is never easy for us kids. And that’s okay. Focus on dealing with your pain. Healing your own is what will actually help us heal ours🙏.
While you can’t control the pain us kids feel, you CAN choose how you support us through it.
You CAN choose not to trash talk your ex in front of us. Yes this one is also for you parents who are “subtle diggers”. Who think that their insults are cleverly disguised in niceties. We can read behind the lines just fine and these still hurt. You reminding us that they cheated, were terrible, or wanting us to pick a side, is a stab to an already present wound. Using US to validate that what your ex did was wrong, isn’t okay. Do this with a therapist, a friend or even out loud when you’re solo✌️.
You can SHOW us how much you love us by how you treat our mom/dad. Yes you read correctly. They may be your ex now, but they’re still our mom or dad. If you treat our mom or dad badly we will eventually resent you. Always take the higher ground ✨.
You can tell us that our future partners will love us even though our family no longer holds the illusion that it’s “perfect.” You can assert that OUR chance at romantic love isn’t tainted and you can assert that we are still worthy of great love. In doing so, you are reminding us that our “love-ability” is our birth right. That it doesn’t shine less or die because your marriage ended. We need to be reminded of this often!
Parents, you will mess up. No one is perfect and it’s a relief to us when we see that you aren’t an exception. And while you may commit some of these painful mistakes, know that it’s okay. Just own it, apologize for it, and then do better next time. In doing so, you are beginning to create a healthy and safe place amongst all the chaos that comes with divorce.
Lastly, when we are ready to talk, if you have respected some of the healthy boundaries listed above, there’s a big chance we will feel safe enough to talk to YOU. And we will be thankful that we can💜.
Please tag and share with whoever comes to mind. I hope this can be helpful and make divorce less traumatizing🙏.
Love does Reign,
~Daniele
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