We’ve all been there.
You’re doing well “respecting your ex’s space,” a.k.a using excessive discipline to not contact them, and then you hit send.
This is after you’ve sworn to yourself, and your besties, that it will never happen again. A major “oops” that Britney warned you’d do again.
Welcome to a texting relapse.
At first you begin to justify why you did it. Maybe you’re telling yourself that the reason was because “I want him to know we’re on good terms” or maybe its his birthday, and you feel that wishing him a “HBD” is the right thing to do.
No matter which way you spin it, the reality is the same: you’ve reached out, and now you’re soaking in self shame.
That “empowered” feeling you had right before you hit “send” has now turned to regret, and you’re having the “Why Did Do That!?” convo with yourself.
I’ve been there, and while I couldn’t change the past, I knew I could change the present by not beating myself up. Here’s how:
1) Tell the Truth
Write down on a piece of paper the real reason you texted them. Were you feeling:
Guilty?
Uncomfortable?
Needy?
Lonely?
Or maybe you were trying to control how he viewed you post break up?
Whatever is true for you, write it down!
2) What “EX”-pectations did you have?
Did you text expecting he/she would answer? That they’d profess that they missed you? Or maybe you thought they would respond warmly, whereas the response you got was colder than an ice cube. Getting real with what you were expecting will help you have clarity and understand why it happened to begin with.
3) OWN It
Archbishop Desmond Tutu talks about the importance of owning our stories in order to be able to let go and forgive (I’ll post the link to his amazing book at the bottom).
In this case, you need to forgive yourself, and the only way to do that is to own what you did.
Use this paragraph to create your powerful ownership statement:
I admit I texted 1._____________(ex’s name) in order to feel 2._________________________________________________________. By doing this I harmed 3._________________________(list who you feel was harmed) , and it’s okay for me to feel 4._____________________(list what you’re feeling).
The next time I feel 5.___________________ (repeat your same answer from #2.), I will 6.__________________________ (how else can you meet those needs?). I give myself permission to forgive 7.________________because 8._________________________________________________.
Example:
“I admit I texted Jake in order to feel validated, accepted, and loved. By doing this I harmed me, and it’s okay for me to feel SUPER rejected. The next time I feel I need validation, acceptance, and love, I will spend time with my furpup Chels, & call a bestie. I give myself permission to forgive myself because I’m allowed to make mistakes- heck no one’s perfect!”
While no contact with an ex is what certain situations need, there are times when reaching out to an ex is needed, and I will be exploring how to tell the difference between those two in next weeks blog.
Now head on over to the comments section below and tell me: Have you ever had a texting relapse? If so, what was the worst part?
Thank you SO much for reading with me today, and I look forward to seeing you here next Wednesday!
~d
*oxo.
Recommended book for this week:
1 Comment
Daniele, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic!! I think everyone can relate to this post in several ways! The worst part for me regarding the text relapse, involved losing a bit of myself. The energy of checking to see if that person responded and evaluating their response became very overwelming and led me to spend less time focusing on me. As you mentioned checking in to see why you want to send your ex a message is a must ! There are many times where I write a message or letter to my ex and read it to the universe lol. This helps so much with moving forward and healing to avoid contact with an ex. Thanks again for a great post ! Xo
Phylicia