The BIG day had finally arrived.
The groomsmen were putting on their tuxes, the guests were taking their seats, and there I was: Sister of the Bride……preparing to walk down the aisle with my EX BOYFRIEND.
To be fair, my sister didn’t know that we had broken up; barely anyone did.
It had happened a month prior, and while I convinced myself that I was keeping silent only because I didn’t want my break up to overshadow my sisters wedding (which I definitely didn’t want to do), another reason was that I was FULL of shame.
I felt like a failure; ashamed that I had wasted 7 years of my life.
And I worried that people would look at me differently; like I was defective.
After all, the “great guy” everyone told me I had, had decided that I wasn’t great enough for him; so maybe others would feel the same about me?
In my mind, to the tune of “Here comes the Bride,” people would be thinking “Here comes the girl who-got-dumped.”
The fear of being pitied by others with a “poor her” mentality was too much for me to handle.
Not to mention the line of questioning that I knew I’d receive from my fam.
The thing that makes talking about painful events so difficult, is that it forces us to confront our feelings. And often we just aren’t ready to feel our feelings.
So I lied.
I pretended that we were still together. I acted like his girlfriend through wedding meetings, rehearsal dinners, and even the bridal party dance classes. Yep, I definitely won the Oscar for Best Actress that summer.
I guess shame is a smooth operator like that. He convinces us that the reason we shouldn’t share our struggles with other people is because they will think less of us.
And we listen.
We opt-out of connecting with those closest to us, and opt-in to pretending “we’re fine.” We tell others that we’re keeping things “private,” that we don’t want a lot of people knowing because of x, y, and z. When in reality, silence, and keeping things “hush hush,” is a shame preserver.
Ironically, this very thing that we attempt to avoid, talking about our pain, is the very thing that brings light back into our world. It’s a sort of shame-kryptonite; and it allows us to own our stories without becoming victim to them.
While shame survives in silence, feeling love and connection is rooted in owning our stories by sharing them.
So yes, I admit that I lamely walked down the aisle, AND performed a choreographed dance, with my ex boyfriend- all while pretending we were together, which I definitely can laugh about now.
That was my “walk of shame” moment, and it taught me that when you divorce shame, by sharing your struggles, you truly say “I Do” to marrying your self worth.
If you’re going through a break up, or another struggle, “unveil” shame by sharing with a trusted friend or family member.
Thanks for walking with me today, and if you know anyone that this could serve please send it their way. And if you’d like to step into the comments section, let me know if you can relate to walking in shame.
In sickness & in health,
~d
*oxo.
Resource of the week: Brene Brown is the KING of shame/vulnerability research. Check out her incredible work via http://brenebrown.com/
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